Unpacking the Hidden Trap of Everyday Language: How Well-Intentioned Words Can Backfire
We all want to communicate in ways that build trust, foster collaboration, and show empathy. Yet, sometimes, even the most well-meaning comments can unintentionally come across as judgmental or dismissive. This often happens through seemingly innocent phrases that have become overused in daily conversations.
Melody Wilding, an executive coach, human behavior professor, and author, sheds light on five common expressions that might be undermining your relationships at work and beyond—without you realizing it. Let’s explore these phrases, their unintended effects, and learn practical alternatives that promote understanding and connection.
1. "Why don’t you just…" – The Shortcut That Creates Distance
Imagine a colleague overwhelmed with managing a flood of emails. Your instinct is to offer a quick solution: "Why don’t you just set up filters?" While meant to help, this phrase can unintentionally imply the other person hasn’t thought things through, coming off as judgmental or dismissive.
Before jumping to solutions, it’s wiser to express empathy. Try engaging curiosity:
- "That sounds frustrating. What have you tried so far?"
- Once you understand better, gently offer options: "One thing that’s worked for me is…"
- Or, "An option that comes to mind is…"
This approach acknowledges effort and opens dialogue rather than shutting it down.
2. "Actually…" – The Small Word That Can Sound Big
If you’ve ever interrupted a casual chat to correct a minor fact with "Actually, it was Michigan," only to see eyes roll or the conversation stall, you know how this feels. "Actually" can unintentionally signal superiority or imply the other person’s mistake is obvious.
Instead, channel the spirit of improvisation: "Yes, and…" This technique helps you build on others’ ideas without dismissing them:
- "You’re right about X, and another angle might be…"
- "That’s a fair point. I wonder if we also consider…"
- For facts you’re unsure about, soften with, "I might be misremembering, but…"
Such phrasing nurtures collaboration and keeps conversations constructive.
3. "To be honest…" – Unnecessary Prefaces That Seed Doubt
Hearing "To be honest" often primes listeners for criticism or a negative judgment, sometimes implying earlier statements were dishonest or sugar-coated. For instance, saying "To be honest, I had more fun than expected" might unintentionally sound like faint praise.
Better to lead directly with your authentic experience or views:
- "I really enjoyed that experience and would do it again."
- "I see some challenges with this approach."
- Pose open-ended invitations: "How about we explore this idea further?" or "I’m curious about your thoughts on…"
This builds openness and reduces defensiveness.
4. "That doesn’t make sense." – When Confusion Feels Like Criticism
It’s natural to express confusion when a teammate prioritizes a smaller client, but saying "That doesn’t make sense" can imply their reasoning is flawed. This phrase often puts the other person on the defensive immediately.
Try instead acknowledging what you understand and seek clarity with respect:
- "So, if I’m following correctly, we’re prioritizing the smaller client because of referral potential?"
- "Can you help me understand the benefits of this approach more deeply?"
This invites explanation rather than confrontation.
5. "I’m surprised you didn’t know that." – The Unintended Put-Down
While it may come from genuine surprise or awkwardness, telling someone you’re surprised they lack certain knowledge can unintentionally shame them.
Instead, focus on offering support and context:
- "That term gets thrown around a lot; it means…"
- "Want me to fill you in quickly?"
Helping rather than highlighting gaps promotes trust and learning.
Why Tone and Intent Matter—and How to Build Bridges Instead of Barriers
Language shapes our relationships deeply. Even phrases used with the best intentions can reinforce perceptions that you’re judgmental or closed off. The key lies in balancing your intent with awareness of impact, choosing words that invite empathy and curiosity.
For American workplaces and communities increasingly focused on inclusion and psychological safety, mastering this subtle communication is not just a kindness—it's a professional asset. These alternative phrases help you foster environments where people feel heard, respected, and motivated to contribute.
Editor’s Note: Enhancing Communication for Trust and Teamwork
Reflect on the words you habitually use—and their possible unintended effects. Could a simple tweak in phrasing transform a tense interaction into an opportunity for connection? As Melody Wilding emphasizes, the goal is to become someone others trust and want to collaborate with—a skill as vital in the boardroom as at the family dinner table.
Next time you feel tempted to say, "Why don’t you just…" or "Actually…," pause and ask: "Am I being helpful or judgmental?" Small shifts in language can build bridges rather than walls, nurturing stronger, more empathetic relationships in every area of life.
